Exclusive Interview with Teagan Frost (The Girl Who Could Move Sh*t With Her Mind)
A message from the Fantasy Hive:
The following is a written report and accompanying transcript of an audio interview conducted by one of our regular contributors, who will remain anonymous to protect their identity.
The contributor in question has no memory of the events detailed, including writing the report or participating in the interview. They were found face-down at their desk with a bloody nose, a cold coffee, an unmarked USB, and the handwritten version of this report.
Based on the content, and the suspicious circumstances behind it, the Fantasy Hive sought legal advice before publishing this as a public interest piece.
I believe there is more to the world than we know.
Take a look at the news, for example. Switch between the BBC, Sky News, CNN, RT, Al Jazeera – any news outlet – each and every one of them cover a ‘story’ with a different angle.
But what about the stories they don’t report on? Or the stories that suddenly ‘disappear’ from the public eye?
I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but I do believe that conspiracies are more than just a theory in the modern world.
I’m not talking illuminati invite-only tea parties, faked moon landings, the addition of 297 years to the calendar (see: phantom time hypothesis), or ‘the world is flat’. I’m talking state-sponsored activity swept under the rug of diplomatic immunities and dead-end investigations.
By chance (a.k.a. I was bored and kept clicking on links) I stumbled onto a Reddit thread debating the existence of ‘psychics, telepaths, and force wielders.’ Users were debating the merits behind stories that had – and just as importantly hadn’t – made the news. Fuelled by curiosity and a limitless supply of office caffeine I started replying to the comments, asking questions, as you do.
Out of the blue, a user, who identified herself as ‘Teagan Frost’ (I do not know if that is their real name) sent me the following via private message:
Let me tell you a little something about psychokinesis.
Everyone has these ideas about what you can actually do with it. There are a hundred dumb Reddit threads about how many magic tricks you could pull off, or how you could make amazing smoke rings. Whoop-de-fucking-do. Also, gambling. People online love to spitball about how it could help you win a ton of money, influencing roulette wheels or craps die.
Plenty of people online claim they have psychokinesis, but you only have to do about five seconds’ worth of digging to see that they were lying out their asses. If they really could move things with their mind, they’d either be dead, or in the same government program I’m in.
It’s just me.
After messaging back and forth over the course of too many days with too little sleep, I convinced ‘Teagan’ to meet me in person for an interview.
–Audio transcript begins —
Hi Teagan, and welcome to the Fantasy Hive. This isn’t like one of our usual interviews, but then you’re not one of our usual interviewees. On that note, tell us a little about yourself.
Hey, thanks. Um. Well. Let’s see. I’m from Wyoming, but I live in LA… I’m 22 years old… I love rap music, and I’m really good at cooking. I enjoy hanging out with my friends. Oh! And I work for the government as a psychokinetic operative.
You’ve agreed to answer ten questions. No more than that. So, I’ve come prepared. With the introductions out of the way, let’s get down to business. You’re a…psychokinetic? Like a telepath, right? What does that mean?
Yep, that’s right, I can read minds. I’m reading yours right now, and…wait, no I’m not, you don’t actually have a brain. Nobody with a brain would confuse a telepath with a psychokinetic.
Psychokinetics don’t read minds, genius. We move things without touching them. I can make things fly through the air. And if you don’t get with the program, I’m going to show you by hitting you around the head with your tape recorder.
Like a Jedi? I’m thinking Yoda lifting the X-wing out of the swamp!
Pfff, I wish. Jedis have lightsabers and cool spaceships and can make people do what they want by planting ideas in their minds. I don’t have a spaceship. I have a crappy Jeep that keeps breaking down on the way to work.
I guess I got the Jedi Lite version – I can move things, but that’s it. Also, isn’t it weird that you never see Jedis misusing the force in fun ways? Getting drinks out the fridge and stuff? Maybe that’s a Sith thing…those guys know how to have fun.
So… like a superhero! ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ type of thing. But all power has its limits. What are yours?
OK, so you know that X-Wing Luke lifts out of the swamp? I don’t know how much an X-Wing weighs, but I’m pretty sure it’s way too heavy for me to lift. I have an upward limit of around 300 pounds and a range of about 10 feet, and using my ability takes a shit-ton of energy. Food plus coffee equals happy Teagan. Hey, you didn’t bring any coffee, did you? No? What the fuck is wrong with you dude?
Anyway, what else…I can’t lift organic matter. Anything with a big concentration of carbon or hydrogen atoms is a no-go. Don’t ask me why. Both my parents and the government spent a long time trying to figure that out, and got precisely nowhere.
All superheroes have weaknesses, too. What are yours? Do your powers grant you increased protection? Or are you just like anyone else on the street, in that you can catch a cold or get a papercut?
My weakness is salted caramel ice cream, and that’s it.
Ugh. Fine. Yes, I can catch colds and get paper cuts and all that shit. Just like you. Yay. I’m not fucking Wolverine or…whoever the bald guy is. I have exactly one ability. It definitely doesn’t give me protection, or a longer life. If anything, it’s going to be a shorter life, because of the batshit crazy missions I keep getting sent on at work. Thanks for asking.
How did you get your powers? And can anyone have powers? Can I?
You know that saying about how your parents always mess you up? Well, mine decided they were going to get ahead of the curve.
They were brilliant geneticists – really brilliant. They just had their priorities a little bit screwed up. They decided they wanted to end all wars before they started, and they figured creating a super soldier would be the best way to do that. They wanted to create a human with psychokinesis, infrared vision, and the ability to go without sleep. Of course, it’s not just crazy difficult to do all that shit, it’s also crazy difficult to put into one human. So, they made three: me, my brother, and my sister.
And yes, theoretically, anyone can have powers. Even you. You just have to have been genetically modified in the womb by my parents, which isn’t going to happen because they aren’t around anymore, and…
You know what? Next question.
It says here, in this heavily redacted ‘dossier’ [whispered: I promise I’ll give it back once we’re finished], that you work for the US government. CIA? NCA? FBI? Or can’t you say?
I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The agency doesn’t have a name. I know absolutely zilch about it beyond the fact that the people who run it do not fuck around. I’m pretty sure that if I did find out the name, and tried to tell you, a bomb implanted in my skull would kill me. A bomb your tax dollars would have paid for, by the way.
You could be almost anything with your powers. So why work for the government?
Because if I don’t, they will lock me away in a secret facility and cut me open to find out how I work. Does that answer your question?
It does answer my question and now I almost regret asking it. But, seeing as it’s too late now…
What type of work do you do for them? Have you ever saved the world? James Bond style? But instead of guns and gadgets using your psychokinesis.
Once again: bomb implanted in my skull. OK, that’s not actually a thing, but I’m pretty sure I can’t just tell you about the specifics of our missions. Let’s just say that I’ve done some shit. I CAN tell you that we don’t do the James Bond stuff – we don’t kill anybody. Think of me as someone who gathers intelligence so James Bond can go do his thing. I’m like Miss Moneypenny, if Miss Moneypenny was cool and could cook amazing pasta. Psychokinesis is really handy for picking locks, planting bugs, breaking and entering.
…do you enjoy the work?
Eh. It’s all right.
I mean, it’s cool and all, and it can be satisfying to mess with bad guys, but it’s not really what I want to do in my life? You know? I feel like nobody should be defined by their job. What I really want to do…and I shouldn’t even be talking about this, because I’m a firm believer in doing stuff and not just talking about it, but what I really want to do is open a restaurant. I want to be a chef.
A chef? Well, I suppose being able to cut, cook and clean using your mind would be really handy. It’d be like dinner and a show all in one! [nervous laughter]
Which brings me to my final question. In your original message, you said, ‘it’s just me’ and that everyone else was lying about having psychokinesis.
Are you sure there isn’t anyone else in the world with powers like yours? Or are you really the only one?
The government never figured out how my parents made me, and my brother and sister aren’t around anymore. So as of right now, I’m the only one. And I am 100% sure that no one else has powers like mine. Although if you do see someone, tell them to get in touch. Maybe we could date!
FOR TEAGAN FROST, SH*T JUST GOT REAL.
Teagan Frost is having a hard time keeping it together. Sure, she’s got telekinetic powers – a skill that the government is all too happy to make use of, sending her on secret break-in missions that no ordinary human could carry out. But all she really wants to do is kick back, have a beer, and pretend she’s normal for once.
But then a body turns up at the site of her last job – murdered in a way that only someone like Teagan could have pulled off. She’s got 24 hours to clear her name – and it’s not just her life at stake. If she can’t unravel the conspiracy in time, her hometown of Los Angeles will be in the crosshairs of an underground battle that’s on the brink of exploding . . .
Full of imagination, wit and random sh*t flying through the air, this insane adventure from an irreverent new voice will blow your tiny mind.