“I don’t know how to deal with striking dolphins, or torpedo whales, or evil conspiracies. You know all of this better than I do. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been leaning rather heavily on you this whole time to give the appearance I know what the hell I’m doing.”

“You’ve also been leaning on Hera,” Morrison pointed out.

“A typing cat! With real estate!”

So… how do you feel about computer competent spy cats, swearing dolphins who have a labour dispute and a satellite destroying laser-beam? Confused? Intrigued? Well, welcome to Starter Villain by John Scalzi, a hilariously bizarre, rip roaringly fun sci-fi where villainy is a family business.

Our poor Mr Charlie Fitzer is not having a good time of it lately and matters only go from bad to worse. Divorced, forced to work as a teaching assistant, on the verge of becoming homeless and having Hera the cat as his only friend, you could say Charlie wasn’t exactly living his best life. Then came the news that his very wealthy uncle Jake had passed away. The two were not close, in fact Charlie hadn’t seen his uncle since he was child, but in a strange twist of fate Charlie discovers that his uncle has left him his business, which is considerably different from the one Charlie assumed he was inheriting. Following his uncle’s funeral, Charlie returns to his home to find it exploding right in front of his eyes. He then discovers uncle Jake was a super villain, one with a secret lair on a volcano, run by sentient cats and obnoxious dolphins. It’s a lot for Charlie to take in, it’s far more dangerous than he knows, and it’ll either be the death of him or the making of him.

There’s something so loveable about a character who, throughout the entirety of a novel, is utterly overwhelmed and very confused but tries to muddle through regardless. The previous novel I read by Scalzi was The Kaiju Preservation Society, which saw the lead protagonist completely out of their depth and constantly in danger and our beloved Charlie has the same fate in Starter Villain. Having very little options Charlie kind of cruises through the novel happy to be led by others such as Mathilda Morrison, his uncle’s most trusted employee, and of course his cat, Hera, who in fact has been spying, protecting and generally keeping Charlie alive for years. These two characters help navigate a bewildered Charlie through a strange world which he only ever believed existed in films. Yet this doesn’t make Charlie completely ignorant, in fact there were surprising moments where we were reminded that Charlie, as a former finance journalist, actually knows a fair bit. What I loved the most though was Charlie’s tongue in cheek attitude towards all the bizarreness around him, particularly shown when he learns of his Volcanic lair in the Caribbean, or when he patiently deals with the labour striking dolphins and even when he meets the shit show known as the Convocation. Hear me out here but Scalzi actually excels at making the outrageous appear plausible and even relatable to the strange world we ourselves live in. 

“We have demands!” Seventy-three said, joyously.

“I bet you do,” I replied.

“First! That you recognize our union!”

“What’s your union called?”

Seventy-three backed away briefly from the microphone and conferred with his fellow dolphins. “The Cetacean Association of the Americas, Chapter One,” he said.

“Yes, all right,” I said.

“Legally, and in writing.”

“You write?” I ask.

“I’ll learn,” Seventy-three replied.

“Fair enough. Next demand.”

I know humour in books can be hit or miss with readers depending on the type of sense of humour you have, and I’m not sure what this says about me, but Scalzi’s satire and silliness is the biggest reason why I personally love his writing style. The character interactions in this book are everything. I’ve come to see that Scalzi has a fantastic way of creating natural flowing dialogue, packed with humour, wit and sarcasm making every line so entertaining. The banter between Charlie and the more stoic Mathilda Morrison is priceless, but the fun really kicks in when Charlie meets men such as Dobrev and the others in the Convocation. Let’s just say I have zero interest in business deals, finance and liquidity, which are some of the main themes throughout this novel, but this is the most fun I’ve ever had surrounding those subjects! The true villains in this book are recognisable, not just because they could be one from an early James Bond film, but because they are greedy billionaires, corporates, or aspiring entrepreneurs who at the end of the day have more money than sense—they are essentially Elon Musk.

Starter Villain is one of the most action packed, tongue in cheek, batshit crazy reads I’ve read this year and I seriously could have read more! You will initially read this novel for the cats and the dolphins, but you’ll stay to watch Charlie and co outsmarting dickheads in suits!

“Between giving dolphins rights and getting rid of tainted Nazi loot, you’ve had a busy couple of days,” Morrison said.

“Not bad for a substitute teacher.”

“Not great for a villain.”

“You know what,” I said. “Right now, I’m okay with that.”

ARC provided by Jamie at BlackCrow PR and UK Tor in exchange for an honest review. All quotes are taken from an ARC and are subject to change upon publication.

Starter Villain is out 21st September 2023 but you can pre-order your copy on Bookshop.org