Ask the Wizard – Legend Lover
Hearken now to the words of wisdom spat forth from amidst the flowing beard of Ulesorin the Green, Agony Ant of the Fantasy Hive and arcane adventurer of great renown.
Many lost and confused dwellers upon your plane have reached out across the boundless void between our worlds to beseech that I impart some tiny portion of my nigh endless well of profundity and experience. While I do not entirely comprehend the exact meaning of every one of the words that they have used, due in no small part to your people’s bizarre fixation upon the abbreviation of perfectly cromulent words, I believe that I have understood the gist of each problem, cutting to the core of the hydra tangle of your troubles with my incisive intellect in the same manner that Caracanegon’s Scythe of Writing Flames cuts through a real tangle of hydra necks.
I am informed by the Fantasy Hive that the conventions of the Agony Ant relationship preclude the use of our true names. This is wise. No wizard would willingly give that power to another, and you mortal buffoons should not either. Unfortunately it has left me with the task of nicknaming the supplicants. A task that I am ill equipped to handle. As any caster of Ulesorin’s Slightly Damp Ray of Water will tell you.
Legend Lover writes:
Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and I dream of what I need.
Help Me, Ulesorin the Green, you’re my only hope.
There are many questions posed by the young lady in question, so please have patience as I unravel them in turn.
If your world is anything like my own, then you will find that all the good men have likely pursued a career in adventuring. My experiences with villagers and townies over the centuries have only solidified my opinion that each and every one of them is a malevolent bastard intent on exploiting the hard work of adventurers to the hilt. Selling spell components at vastly inflated rates, purchasing magical items and treasure at a fraction of their worth and charging the man who just saved them all from bloody kobolds for a glass of wine that he never even got to taste before it was knocked over by said kobolds. The only conclusion I can reach is that all of the good men have fled from the seats of civilisation to face off against the evils of the world directly, and you shall have to either pursue them into that battle or await their return, at which point you probably shall not catch their eye because they are too distracted by the frankly ridiculous prices at the livery stables.
The gods are not my personal domain of interest, but having consulted with a local cleric I am informed that the respective pantheons are currently resting within their usual seats of power, with the notable exceptions of Pandarious the God of Peace who is missing without a trace; Kalkalune the Scorpion Goddess, who is believed to be walking the planes as an avatar, attempting to unite her children to wage war against the Eternal Mongoose; and of course Niroselu the God of Magic, who has been missing for many centuries but is rumoured to walk the worlds in the guise of an elderly bearded man, imparting wisdom to the perplexed.
I am not familiar with the gentleman named Hercules, but I am forced to assume from context that he has probably fallen foul of some townies, been stripped of his treasures and dumped into a canal because he refused to pay the exorbitant rates require for a single night’s steading in an inn.
Florid’s Effervescent Flaming Steed is a spell that should only be undertaken by a trained wizard and I am sadly several planes away from you at present, but if you should secure one locally I will be happy to send through the appropriate scroll. Any knight riding upon said steed will likely end up rather sooty, so perhaps it is not the best choice for one clad in white when there are many non-flammable horses available?
It seems to me that you are already entirely aware of what you desire, madam. Dreams are a gift given to us through our connection to the power cosmic, through dreams magic enters the worlds and through us its will is worked. If you are troubled in your rest, it seems quite obvious that you must begin to pursue whatever course your dreams have prescribed to you. As you choose not to elaborate on the content of your dreams, to my sorrow I cannot elaborate further on the best course of action to pursue them.
Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.