Ask the Wizard – A Necromantic Evening
When Ulesorin the Green speaks, the kings of the world cock their ears in anticipation of the floods of wisdom that he spits forth. From betwixt these yellowed and ancient teeth, philosophies and incantations beyond the grasp of mortal minds have been wheezed out, and it would do you well to hang upon every word.
For reasons that have not yet become clear, I have consented to wield the power of the word binding lightning, flinging these missives across the planes in service to the Fantasy Hive. Amongst your number there are many troubled individuals in need of guidance, and so donning this scaly carapace, I become an Agony Ant, so that my wisdom may be dispersed freely.
Love and Necromance writes:
I recently killed a friend in an accident involving a hedgehog, candles and some chilli oil. I’d rather not go into details. Luckily, I found an old spell book which allowed me to raise the dead! It now appears that I have triggered a zombie apocalypse. What should I do?
Once more I am presented with a tangled riddle of enigmas wrapped up in mysteries rather than a simple question. There are facets of this problem that I simply do not have the information to resolve. I can understand that you feel the need to be coy when it comes to matters of the heart and… other organs… but when it comes to magic, specifics are required!
My first and most important question to you is this: did the hedgehog consent? If it did not, then the entire dynamic of the aftermath would be altered irrevocably. Assuming that the hedgehog did not consent, I must ask whether these resurrected creatures have shown any sign of developing spines upon their backs? If they have then a simple exorcism should resolve your problem. If you contact the local priest and make a donation my understanding is that the ritual is rather brief. Having said that, you may struggle to secure the assistance of a cleric given your rodent related proclivities.
After some further research through the interplanar portal, I realise that hedgehogs on your plane differ considerably from those on mine. It seems that yours are goblinoids akin to kobolds, bearing blue fur and a preference for chilli dogs. Was this the purpose of the oil? Did the dog consent? Are these resurrected creatures showing any signs of elongated snouts and tail growth? If they have then a simple exorcism should resolve your problem. If you contact the local priest and make a donation my understanding is that the ritual is rather brief. Having said that, you may struggle to secure the assistance of a cleric given your canine coercing proclivities.
Assuming that the matter was entirely consensual, we are left to ponder which spell-book could have fallen into your hands, and how one so unversed in the arcane arts could have wielded it to such great effect. The most pressing question that I must ask is this: Did the spell resurrect your deceased friend along with the others? If so, then you can consider it to have been a complete success and retire with your companion back to your abode to wait out the apocalypse, which is almost certainly entirely coincidental.
Typically, when adventuring, if I come across an overabundance of revived corpses causing havoc then my first course of action is to seek out and slay the necromancer who created them, breaking his hold over the restless dead and returning them to their reeking component parts. As the necromancer in question appears to be you at this juncture, I would suggest that you do not answer your door if a group of between three and seven young folk of varying professions knock upon it.
Email your problems to email@example.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.