Lo, I have returned to you tender mortal folk to unveil my great wisdom to the benefit of all. It is I, Ulesorin the Green. He who conquered the final depths of the Dungeons of Querilous. He who slew the Succubus Queen of Silkbottom Keep. He who bedded the Great Wyrm Arakhas and spawned the lizard folk that brought peace and prosperity to all of the Western Kingdoms by flame and blade! With my words I shape reality and with my mind’s keen attentions I shall reshape you, dear reader, into the finest version of yourself that can be forged out of such rough base material. Bring to me the riddles that vex you and I shall return an answer so pure and poignant that you will weep. Weep!

***

Dear Ulesorin,

So my boyfriend kinda made a deal with a demon and now he’s got a demon seed implanted in his hand. Also, he lost an eye a while back, and while I was indisposed he went and put the fossilized eye of a dead god in the empty socket. But here’s the problem: he’s become really, really cranky of late, and he’s getting increasingly difficult to work with (we’re also business partners).

What can I do to help him get back to his normal, level-headed self?

Regards,

Increasingly Frustrated in Lucernis

***

Before we move on to matters of your boy’s unbridled rage, I must ask you about the emotions that you yourself are experiencing. I have heard tell of “open relationships” across the other planes of existence, but you have made no reference to your own being one. So it is that I must ask you; how you have handled the betrayal of your boy’s lusty coupling with one of the hells’ spawn? Even if it never went further than a swift “elven handshake.”

As to the matter of deity-based prosthetics, I would not be so swift to judge. Who among us has not borrowed the liver of the god of debauchery after a bout of binge drinking? I will admit that the calcification of this dead eye may somewhat impede its use, but when one that we care for is injured, it is not our place to tell them how they should feel about it, and it is not our place to question their fashion choices. When Paladin Hajgar, Champion of the Dawn Tower, lost his finger in a duel with a talking fox we did not question his decision to continue wearing gauntlets with a full compliment of fingers because it brought him comfort.

After many centuries of adventuring and all of the emotional baggage that I have seen my colleagues hauling out of dungeons alongside treasure I must tell you that it is not a good idea to work alongside the person you are romantically involved with. Some of this can be alleviated by a tension free working relationship, but the fundamental problem remains the same. If you spend every waking moment with your boyfriend, you will have no stories to share. You will have naught to talk about but that which is before your face in that moment, and without the joyful recollection of memories they wither.

So finally we come to the berserk rage. If you have already attempted to cast Ulesorin’s Calming Balm to no avail then proceed through the following steps. Step the first, cut off his infested hand. Step the second, pluck out his crusty eyeball. Step the third, now he has a good reason to be angry with you.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.