Hearken ye fools, knaves and wanderers upon these lightning-bound shores, for I have returned to thee once more with wisdom without measure and a rash that I must hypothesise is the result of frequent lovemaking with sentient reptilian beasts of unfathomable arcane might!

But it is not my itchy problems that bring me here to your strange desolate world. Nay, I have come to set right that which is wrong. To shine the light of my dazzling intellect upon those troubles that trouble you. Ask, and I shall answer!

For I am Ulesorin the Green, Speaker of the Secret Word, Wielder of the Occult Fire, Knower of the Not-Very-Well-Known Magics and Aunt of Agonies!

***

The Man Who is a Mountain writes:

I’m about to go from 2 to 3 kids. But I only have 2 hands. How am I going to make this work!?!?!

***

As the proud father to several thousand half-wizard, half-dragon spawn, I feel that I am uniquely qualified to answer this particular question. Assuming that you cannot position your eggs at various distances from the Incandescent Ember and stage the hatchings in more manageable groups, I would advise you to recall that for the vast majority of your scaly offspring’s early life it is functionally equivalent to a rather large potato. While it may make some noises, I can assure you that a baby will not die if left alone for a few minutes while you attend to other matters. If they were not at least somewhat hardier than that, your species would have long gone extinct.

Were magic at your disposal, I would have several spells that allow for the growth of additional limbs, but I am reliably informed that such a thing would draw attention in your world, so I would instead propose some sort of papoose.

***

Walking in The Rear writes:

I’m about to face the annual problem of What To Give My Grandmother Who Neither Needs Nor Wants Anything For Christmas. She can’t get into a bath anymore, and so doesn’t appreciate the various washing paraphernalia available this time of year. She has no discernible hobbies, other than Listening To Welsh Folk Singers and Telling Strangers On The Bus About Her Great-Grandchildren. She resents being given clothes, because, and I quote, “she has more clothes now than she has ever had at any point in her life, when she was younger she didn’t have many clothes, and she’d save them for best, and every year she’d wear the same clothes because she’d been saving them for best and she’d have other clothes to work in and the clothes she has to work in now are nicer even than the clothes she used to keep for best”… what was I talking about? OH! Other than yet another personalised calendar of her great-grandchildren, what can I give my grandmother for Christmas that is meaningful and encapsulates how much we love her?

***

Another question that I feel uniquely qualified to respond to! Although it was necessary to do considerable research before understanding the Masses of Chris on your world. Perhaps some sort of cull is in order to lower the Chrises among your number? Regardless, the purchasing of gifts for creatures who have spent centuries accumulating material possessions is always a great difficulty. Indeed, I myself am a bloody nightmare to buy for, having vast vaults filled with all of the wealth and wonders of the world hidden beneath my tower, protected by an intricate dungeon filled with traps and monsters.

For the eternal, gifts full of novelty are often the best solution. Give the Mother Who is Grand some new invention or concoction and sit back as she puzzles it out for decades. Alternatively, you can resolve all of your future purchasing conundrums with one simple action: burn her house down.

This may seem a little harsh at the first glance, but consider this: by destroying all of her possessions and leaving her with nothing, anything that you purchase her will be well received. In addition, if you rush in to save her from the fire before it consumes her along with her many things, you will have given the most beautiful gift of all: her continual survival. And of course, if you are a little too late and the fire consumes her, your current conundrum of what to buy for her will still be solved.

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Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.