ASK THE WIZARD – The Goldfish Problem
Hearken now to a wizard, reunited with his lover, the legions of his scaly children and the colour yellow that was once forcibly extracted from his robes by a Mystical Court Order. Ulesorin the Green is clothed once more in robes of that very hue. The Thousand Claws stand ready to march at my command, though currently we are taking some time to discuss our boundaries. Best yet, I am reunited in love with the draconic queen of my waking dreams. Naught could shake my confidence this day. Naught could puncture the perfect sphere of delight in which I am held.
Bring on the letters mortals, you shall not ruin my mood, I assure you!
Dear Wise and Glorious Ulesorin,
MY CHILD WON’T STOP ASKING ME FOR FOOD. This morning, he was demanding cake. At 9:30am. His appetite is voracious and I fear insatiable. Should I give in to his demands, or attempt to be a strong and responsible parent and limit his intake?
Anxiously awaiting your aid,
Mother of Bottomless Pits
While I have little experience with the raising of human children, beyond the few that I’ve fostered before sending them off to nigh inevitable death against some dark lord or another, I have spent the last month or so becoming reacquainted with my half-dragon spawn. While they are considerably older than your youth, many of the same concerns still persist. They too have an insatiable hunger. Though theirs is of course for the still-living flesh of their enemies.
In my attempts to be the responsible father to this horde of pseudo-dragon sorcerous warriors, I am constantly forced to curtail their desires. Certainly, I would like to earn their love back after all these years by giving them free reign to pillage and massacre all the free peoples of this world yet there are several reasons that I do not.
The first is that dramatically altering the balance of geopolitical power in this region may lead to an armed uprising against the small but significant queendom that my big cozy snuggly-wuggly has carved out for herself here in these mountains, which could be a real bugger to deal with if all our soldiers are off pillaging villages and feasting on the peasants.
The second, is that there is a not-entirely discountable moral issue with unleashing a swarm of murderous serpentfolk on the world. I am their father after all, if they are doing any murder, it should be under my supervision to ensure that they do not get hurt.
The last, and perhaps most significant issue with allowing the Thousand Claws to march out into the world feasting where they may is that when a dragon eats, it grows larger, and it seems that my children share this trait. With time and enough to eat, any one of my darling dragonlings will grow in size until they rival their titanic mother, and are then forced to enter into mortal combat for dominance of the clan and frankly that sounds like a lot of drama that could more easily be avoided by simple portion control.
In conclusion, as much as your darling child may badger you for food, and as tempted as you may be to give into them because you love them, or you don’t want to have to shoot lightning at them to stop them trying to usurp your place as second-in-command to the dragon queen, it is in their own best interests for you to control their caloric intake.
Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.