Fantasy-Hive

Main Menu

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks

logo

Fantasy-Hive

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks
Ask the WizardFeatures
Home›Features›Ask the Wizard›ASK THE WIZARD – The Ancient Order of Rodent Brothers

ASK THE WIZARD – The Ancient Order of Rodent Brothers

By G.D. Penman
July 18, 2020
2039
0

Ask the Wizard

Hearken now to the whispers of Ulesorin the Green, wisest of all wizards. While it may seem at a glance that I am cowering in a broom-closet as I complete this missive, and that such an action does not seem befitting an arcanist of my stature, please recall that I have never claimed to be bravest of wizards, nor proudest of wizards, merely the wisest. A tactical retreat was called for.

Fall not to hubris, dear mortals. It would seem that wise as I am, the great enemy has out-manoeuvred me once more. The great evil of our time has elected to birth a new army – even now she lays eggs as her servile brood fetch and carry them to be warmed by the heart of the volcano. Eggs fertilised by my own prodigious puissance! It would appear that my attempts at reconciliation and the amorous response that I received were in fact a deception.

I should not have asked for closet space, on reflection, I may have been able to maintain my own illusions about my place in the draconic order of things if I had not. Why does Ulesorin the Green even require space within a closet? That great man has but only the single robe upon his back. It was a simple test, and one that tripped the wicked wyrm at the first hurdle. 

But enough of my troubles, allow me to assist you with your pressing concerns, by all means, I’m not being hunted by an army of lizard men at this very moment.

***

Dear Ulesorin, 

Now that I’m confined to my house for the foreseeable, I was thinking of learning a new skill and thought magic might prove pretty handy when we come out of quarantine. What disciplines of magic would you recommend, and do you have any tips for the beginner? 

Thanks, Locked-Down Learner

***

Dear Learner,

As you are but mayflies, I cannot recommend to you that you pursue the paths of the arcane. To learn magic requires lifetimes, and yours will tragically be cut short but a brief while after learning the most simple cantrip. No human can ever ascend beyond apprentice status within my order. However, do not let your mortality-challenged status interfere with pursuing your dreams. Just because you cannot learn real magic, that doesn’t mean you cannot master some of the lesser arts.

For instance, you could become a druid. I am relatively confident that their training merely involves an intense conversation with a squirrel followed by several months of failing to bathe properly. I am certain that you could master both rodent entertainment and poor hygiene within your lifespan. Why, from the aroma of your note, you are already halfway there!

If you have no interest in Druidry, I am sure that some other calling might appeal to you. Perhaps a pursuit of divine magic? To the best of my recollection from the few times that I have travelled with clergy members all that they do is go running to their big daddy in the sky every time that they are confronted with a problem. How do you feel about begging and debasing yourself every time you need a spell?

If even these lowly arts evade you, then might I suggest you turn your attention to illusions. Perhaps sleight of hand and card tricks are something that you can learn in your time of confinement. I would not know as I have never dabbled in such tawdry things.

***

Ask the WizardHaving relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.

TagsAdviceAgony AuntAsk the WizardfeaturesHumour

G.D. Penman

G. D. Penman is the author of more books than you can shake a reasonably-sized stick at, including series like Witch of Empire, Savage Dominion, Deepest Dungeon and The Last King. Before finally realising that the career’s advisor lied to them about making a living as an author, G. D. Penman worked as an editor, tabletop game designer, and literally every awful demeaning job that you can think of in-between. They are a veteran of the battlefields of Azeroth, Lordran, Tamriel and Thedas, but they left their heart in Baldur’s Gate. Nowadays they can mostly be found writing fantasy novels and smoking a pipe in the sunshine. They live in Dundee, Scotland with their partner, children, dog and cats. Just… so many cats.

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Welcome

Welcome to The Fantasy Hive

We’re a collaborative review site run by volunteers who love Fantasy, Sci-fi, Horror, and everything in-between.

On our site, you can find not only book reviews but author interviews, cover reveals, excerpts from books, acquisition announcements, guest posts by your favourite authors, and so much more.

Have fun exploring…

The Fantasy Hive Team

Visit our shop

Features

Support the Site

We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok