Ask The Wizard: What is an Agony Ant?
Hearken now to the words of Ulesorin the Green, Master of the Secret Names, Defender of the Twelve Realms of Man, Sage of the Western Wastes, Lord of the Silver Tower and Agony Ant of the Fantasy Hive.
When first your Hive beckoned to me across the void between worlds, using their letters bound to lightning, I assumed that these missives were naught but the latest deception from one of my many enemies across the planes.
Between their chosen title and their talk of “Agony Ants” I assumed that they were some sort of titanic, acid spewing insects trying to cajole me into assuming their form so that I could be entrapped. After a decade spent as a dire minnow in my youth I can assure you that I will not be falling for that particular trick again.
With time, I came to understand that your world is not like my own; that you suffer from a dreadful lack of wizards and sages of my years and wisdom to guide you young adventurers through your journeys. So, with some trepidation I have made myself available to your Hive in this role. Send your electronic mail to me. Tell me what tribulations trouble you and I shall provide tales from my past and fleeting sparks of my wisdom to guide you through to personal victories and the defeat of evil.
Your world may be strange to me, but our troubles are not so different. The same heart beats within the chest of all men. Except mine, I buried my heart beneath a glacier so that I cannot be killed.
Email your problems to email@example.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.