Ask the Wizard – Someone Needs a Kvothe Drop
Ulesorin the Green speaks. Hearken to his words. Each erudite sentence has been hard won, dredged from the endless morass of a dozen lifetimes of experience. Each word, carefully chosen, reflects an immeasurable intellect slowed from its dazzling pace to deliver wisdom into your ears. Each syllable is painstakingly shaped by a tongue that with a mere twist can conjure fire and death into being.
In each of your months, the barriers between the planes weaken for just long enough for messages to be flung back and forth and so the illustrious wizard and ardent adventurer (retired) known as Ulesorin the Green has agreed to serve as the Aunt to your Agony. Tell me your woes and I shall cast a balm upon them. Out of kindness alone I give answer to your pleas for help, so do not draw back in fear when at last your crises can come to an end.
Name of the K writes:
Hi, I’m kind of famous, in fact you might have heard of me, I killed a dragon you know. Anyway, there’s this girl I really like and she likes my singing and my red hair and my modesty but I keep on getting really mixed messages from her and I think she’s got some sugar daddy or something and I don’t know what to do – like walk away, or really try to go for it, or maybe find this super rich sugar daddy of hers and kill him. Hoping you can help, thanks.
Name of the K, often in my adventuring career I have come across problems of this sort. It is not widely publicised due to the rather unsavoury nature of certain “adventurer groupies,” but the main cause for the disruption of adventuring parties is in fact romantic infidelity.
In the past I have given solid advice to friends and fellows at arms about this matter, and with each repetition of the same sad results I have abbreviated it further and further. With some brevity I can tell you the correct course of action is simple; move on with your life.
From what little I have read of your exploits, it seems that there should be no shortage of romance in your future. It is important to remember that in matters of the heart, quantity is more important than quality, and once you have bounced along to the next inn, the next adventuring party or indeed the next plane of existence, you will swiftly discover that love is an abundant resource across the multiverse. The one font that you have come upon is but a measly dribble compared to that which you will doubtless find elsewhere.
Knowing young hearts as I do, I am certain that my initial advice is going to be overlooked, so my alternative solution is quite simple; when you inevitably murder this Father of Sweetness character, do so somewhere that you are not likely to be seen. Do not bury him anywhere that you regularly frequent. Pay the local temple whatever they require to perform the necessary rites to prevent his return as a ghost, ghoul or abomination. Most importantly, and I know that this last part will be difficult for a man of your character; shut up. Do not talk about him. Do not talk offhand about “that time you murdered somebody.” Distance yourself from the entire event while behaving entirely normally around your love interest.
When she inevitably leaves you for someone younger, more attractive and less in need of a little bit of time to warm up before casting a fireball, repeat the process. If you are so inclined, you could reunite her with her lost love in the grave. You can’t get much more romantic than that!
Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.