Come gather around, people, wherever you roam, press your faces to the glowing rectangle which whispers the secrets of all gathered knowledge into your brain through your eye sockets. It is I, returned to you once more. Your most beloved and trusted advisor. The wisest wizard to wander wonderous worlds wanting not for wit. Ulesorin the Green is returned to you from over oceans of time, large lakes of distance and puddles of inter-dimensionality. Not to fulfil my role as the bringer of storms, as I do for the elves of Fyanshawyn, nor to defend the dignity of the ever-nude dwarves of Ghorkhan; nay, I am here to serve you and you alone, to take your burdens and to render them moot with but a flamboyant flick of my wand and a single spoken word of such power that it could make the very heavens flee before it.

Tell me your troubles and I shall give you answers. Whether arcane, profane or inane, whatever pains you, Ulesorin shall mend. Whatever troubles you, Ulesorin shall unstitch. Whatever your agonies, Ulesorin shall aunt.

***

Old School Sexting writes;

Dear Ulesorin,

I’m currently engaged in a long-distance relationship with a prince locked in a tower. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind romance, and despite the distance, I do quite like when he sends me illustrations of his sword.

We would like to be together, but unfortunately, his tower is guarded by a fearsome dragon. The dragon regards the prince as treasure and intends to, as far as I can ascertain, use him as a nanny for a clutch of baby dragons due to hatch quite soon from their 100-year incubation.

Please, Ulesorin — what should I do?

***

Dearest Sexting, what you have laid before you is not a burden, it is a most wonderous opportunity. You claim to hold love in your heart for this prince, yet you would deprive him of the most valuable gift that any man can receive?

Nay, I do not mean the joys of parenthood. In my millennium of experience, the one true constant through the roiling turn of ages has been that children are obnoxious little bastards, always tugging on your beard, smearing sticky substances on your robes and shoving your carefully calibrated wands into whatever soggy orifice they feel like ramming things into on any given day. Take it from someone who has fathered an entire race of sentient lizard folk and has physically travelled through the demonic planes known as hell: parenting is the worst.

Rather, I mean that the greatest delight any man might receive in his lifetime is in fact an army of fire-breathing monstrosities with which to enforce his will upon the feeble world around him. With a full clutch of dragon’s eggs, hatched, bonded to your prince and then raised to even their teenage years, an empire could be founded. What I wouldn’t give to have an army of dragons at my beck and call. It is my only regret in all of my many years of life that I have never had the opportunity to steal a nest full of dragon eggs and raise them as my slave-soldiers.

Do not let my regrets become yours, and do not snatch your prince too readily from his place of power. I will admit that slaying the mother dragon may be something of a nuisance if you do not have a wizard of the impossible puissance of Ulesorin the Green at your side, but if you find that hiring adventurers to slay the dragon is not a viable solution after the hatching, then may I suggest that you simply make use of the tools you have at your disposal, which is to say, a whole swarm of murderous dragons who have imprinted upon your prince as their primary caregiver.

Farewell, kind Sexting, it is my dearest hope than when next we communicate, I must call you “Dragon Empress Sexting” instead!

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.