Ask the Wizard: Call to Adventure
There is nothing that cannot be bent to the sorcerous will of a great wizard. Not men, not monsters, and not the World-Storm. Through the turning of the tides and the spinning of the moons I have laboured. Through the rising of the sun and griping of the imps, I have endured. All of this I have suffered so that you need suffer no more. The World-Storm is bound to me, contained within a great glass vessel within my tower, ready at a moment’s notice to convey the words of wisdom that I speak through the great void between planes to deliver your absolution.
Climbing that mountain just to answer your letters every month was getting a bit wearing.
So I say unto you, bring your troubles to my doorstep, lay your burden at my feet and whisper your sorrows into my grizzled ear, for I am Ulesorin the Green, slayer of animated furniture, abjurer of kobold lawyers, layer of dragons and Aunt of Agonies!
The Bored One writes;
Dear wise one,
I love conquering the wilds and going on adventures as often as possible! I also enjoy some archery target practice on the odd group of fiends and monsters I find roaming.
Sadly my partner much prefers to sip mead from a tankard while lazing in front of the fire! Do you have any potions to make him more active or ideas how to get him out of the house and on a horse?
I’ve been thinking about hiring a goblin to break in to get him moving, but those always make such a mess I’ll have to clear up…
Dearest Bored One, I understand your sorrows all too well, for I too have been soul-bonded with a lazy beast of a creature. While yours seems inclined to fire sitting and mead sipping, mine preferred to rest upon a mighty hoard of golden treasures and wait out the millennia, dozing away our married years except during brief bouts of savage, passionate lovemaking.
I can tell you without a doubt several courses of action that I attempted and which firmly did not work. Hiring a band of adventurers to come and steal your lover’s treasure. The end result of that is naught but chargrilled knights and bitter recriminations. The potion idea is also right out, as dragons have a constitution impervious to most enchantments.
Neither will you find a solution by stoking the fires of jealousy in his gut by romancing a dragon that lives in an adjacent territory in the hopes of reigniting the passion for travel that you both shared when you first met. Indeed, that path shall lead to you having a full half of all the treasures that you accumulated through centuries of hard adventuring being stripped from you by a so-called court of law and handed over to a bloody dragon that sleeps on a mound of money so big that it could pay off the debts of an entire crusade.
Having pursued the wrong course of action, I can now clearly use the arcane powers of hindsight to identify a simple solution to your troubles. If you share a language with your lover, then simply explain that you have a wanderlust within you, and that you need to indulge it lest you go mad. Tell him that you wish for him to share in your adventures, because you miss him during these excursions. Do not ask him to accompany you, do not beg. Simply state these facts then move on to your adventuring life.
He will either follow you or become acutely aware of your absence each time that you travel without him. On your return, do as all adventurers do and regale him with tales of your derring-do, inspiring in him the fear of missing out on such joys.
If I can talk some stupid swineherd into becoming an adventurer and going off to fight a dark lord with my stories then I am confident that you will be up to the task of inspiring your beloved partner.
And if all of this is in vain, if he will not part with his comforts in the pursuit of grand adventure in the great wide unknown, then please, I beg you to remember and learn from my follies: do not hire kobolds to be your divorce lawyers. They are the worst.
Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.