Fantasy-Hive

Main Menu

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks

logo

Fantasy-Hive

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks
Ask the WizardBlog
Home›Features›Ask the Wizard›ASK THE WIZARD: Shave Yourself the Trouble

ASK THE WIZARD: Shave Yourself the Trouble

By G.D. Penman
November 6, 2019
2451
0

Ask the Wizard

From atop my tower amidst the windswept peaks, I write these words with age-crabbed hands. The knowledge of the ages had been bound within my skull. Power enough to transform all the universe to my will, but the wisdom to know that no matter my incredible arcane might, I still do not have the insight to remake all creation without flaws.

For instance, if I were to cast a mighty spell that would transform every kobold lawyer on the entire plane into custard, would it have an impact on local currency values, rendering my gold pile less valuable? Who knows? I’m not an economist, nor do I consult with those grey-garbed demons. I have the wisdom to know that I must limit the changes I make to outcomes I can predict. For instance, turning the kobold lawyers that came to my tower demanding payment for services rendered into custard.

It is not for custard that you call out to me. Nor is it my power you seek with your letters cast through lightning and the beakered world-storm. You have wisdom enough to seek me out for my immense experience of life.

Whatever troubles ail you in your mortal lives, you yourself can mend with but a touch of that wisdom to guide you.

***

Grek writes:

HELP! I am a goblin. I recently acquired a rather luxurious dwarf beard after an accident with a magical elixir. I don’t know who I am anymore!

***

My Hirsute Correspondent,

This is the reason there are no goblin wizards. To a man, your species is populated with buffoons and reprobates. It is my sincerest hope that the beard you have so wrongfully acquired slithers around and strangles you in your sleep.

A good day to you, sir.

***

After consultation with my imps and contract, it appears that wishing for you to be murdered by your own facial hair does not constitute “community service,” so with great distaste and protest, I shall now attend to your ridiculous problem as if you were a person of worth rather than dungeon-dwelling filth.

***

“Dear” Grek,

I am so terribly sorry to hear about the awful thing that has happened to you. I am sure that whichever wizard spent literally hours of their life gathering rare ingredients, weaving spells and preparing that potion is not simmering with rage to hear that it was squandered granting some goblin a beard. I am sure that wizard deserved it. Let’s talk about what really matters here. Let’s talk more about your “feelings.”

A beard does not maketh the man. Just as there are dwarves in this world who have no facial hair to speak of and humans with luxurious facial hair, who you are as a person is not altered by your appearance. You remain the same [Redacted by Legal Imps] that you have always been, you vile little [Redacted by Legal Imps.]

If a beard were all it took to transform a goblin into a dwarf, then I can assure you the population of that proud and stout people would be booming, while your own kind would have dwindled into non-existence as soon as I was old enough to cast the necessary charms. No, Grek. You are not changed. Your kind never change.

If the beard itself is causing you concern, then I would suggest you seek out a wizard to remove it for you. Ideally one that is travelling with an adventuring party somewhere near to your nest. Preferably one that has prepared a fireball spell. I am sure that wizard will be more than happy to remove all of the biological problems below your mouth for you.

If that is too much of an effort for you, then I would suggest that you find the largest and rustiest bladed weapon that you can lay hands on and scrape your face with it until the luxurious beard, and underlying skin, has been thoroughly removed. It is important that you also shave off your skin to prevent the elixir from taking effect again. In fact, the more of your own face you can carve off, the better. Why not take off the whole head, just to be safe?

***

Ask the WizardHaving relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.

TagsAgony AuntAsk the WizardBlogGoblinHumourUlesorin the Green

G.D. Penman

G. D. Penman is the author of more books than you can shake a reasonably-sized stick at, including series like Witch of Empire, Savage Dominion, Deepest Dungeon and The Last King. Before finally realising that the career’s advisor lied to them about making a living as an author, G. D. Penman worked as an editor, tabletop game designer, and literally every awful demeaning job that you can think of in-between. They are a veteran of the battlefields of Azeroth, Lordran, Tamriel and Thedas, but they left their heart in Baldur’s Gate. Nowadays they can mostly be found writing fantasy novels and smoking a pipe in the sunshine. They live in Dundee, Scotland with their partner, children, dog and cats. Just… so many cats.

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Welcome

Welcome to The Fantasy Hive

We’re a collaborative review site run by volunteers who love Fantasy, Sci-fi, Horror, and everything in-between.

On our site, you can find not only book reviews but author interviews, cover reveals, excerpts from books, acquisition announcements, guest posts by your favourite authors, and so much more.

Have fun exploring…

The Fantasy Hive Team

Visit our shop

Features

Support the Site

We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok