Hearken to my words mortals, for they may be my last. The time has finally come for me to confront the great evil of our time. Long have I held myself back from this clash of titans. Long have I done all that I could to spread peace and harmony throughout the Free Kingdoms rather than give in to my base desire for vengeance upon the darkest monster in all of the lands. 

But know this my friends; all men, mortal or not, cannot stand by perpetually while evil is done. To stand aside while wickedness takes root is not only folly, it is sublimation to evil itself. When the dragon rises and feasts upon your neighbour’s cattle, think not that you have avoided evil for another day, rather think that this fellow in the brotherhood of life has suffered and so too are we all reduced!

For too long did I cower in my tower, hoping that some hero might rise and strike at the heart of darkness. For too long I let my own weakness and fear govern my actions instead of my morality. I have always known that this task would fall to me, and all before has been an excuse. So witness my transcendent glory as I plunge into the Wyrmspire’s shadow, wreathed in my arcane puissance. I go now to murder my ex-wife!

***

I write you in a time of great desperation. My son has come home from market having sold our cow for “magic” beans. Now, the cow had stopped producing milk so its sale was necessary. But beans, however magic, surely won’t feed our family. Dear Great Mage, may we have a loan?

Sincerely,

All fed up of beans

***

My dearest Beans, were circumstances different you can rest assured that I would send you a sack of gold so bulbous it would make the very walls of your piteous hovel bow out. With a very reasonable interest rate, far below the industry standards for whichever plane or domain in which you dwell. Sadly, I am bereft of all my tawdry wealth at this time in my journey.

Should I slay the dragon and recover its hoard, then I would be delighted to make arrangements for you to receive some small portion of it. Assuming that I am successful in slaying a dragon alone and that your letter is not consumed in the ensuing conflagration. As a loan.

Assuming that I am somehow, inexplicably incapable of achieving this moderately impossible task, then you shall be in need of some alternate means of supporting yourself.

First, I would advise that you separate one of these magical beans and plant it, on the off chance that it is some sort of useful kind of magic bean. Perhaps a tree that sheds money, or a pitcher plant filled with fine liqueurs that you can sell along.

Do not be so foolish as to plant all of them. The remainder of those beans are your ticket to financial security. Garb yourself in your finest clothes, travel one village over where nobody knows your name or your face and wait until you see some credulous rube coming along looking to sell a cow or some other high ticket item that you’ll be able to flip for a massive profit or portion up into jerky to last you through the long winter months.

In all you will have profited in the net sum of one potentially magical bean-plant. I would consider that a more productive day than most subsistence farmers can accomplish and therefore a success. Just keep the scam rolling.

***

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.