The evil has been defeated.

A battle the likes of which none shall see in their lifetime. Displays of magic that could strip the sanity from mortal minds. Breath of flame so hot it could remove your eyebrows from four miles away. The bards would sing tales of our clash for centuries to come had any of them the courage to stand by and watch as the very robes were stripped from my back by the dragon’s claws and we tangled in the same embrace as in ages past.

It was the kind of tussle that legends are founded upon. A joining so catastrophic that it could have birthed worlds and stars rather than just one rather prodigious damp patch.

It matters not! The dragon now slumbers and none remain fully upright! Even I lay here with my head resting upon her haunches while I write this. My head irradiated with the blissful warmth of rekindled love and my nethers submerged in an ice-bath so that the collateral damage of our rekindled romance might be minimised and an encore might be undertaken should the naughty, naughty beast stir once more. 

But we are not here so that you can hear how my troubles were resolved through carnal conquest. Nay, we are here to talk of your petty inconveniences.

***

Breaking from tradition, I answer this day not a single missive from your world but a plethora that I have received. All along a similar note. It seems that a plague has swept your world and as a result, each and every one of you is in confinement, as the royalty of my world are permitted to indulge in through times of pestilence.

To those letters complaining of the discomfort of this confinement; I must remind you that you are being permitted a great luxury. You have no fields to work, or tasks so vital that they would be worth risking a stroll in the path of the Reaper. While you are living through truly monstrous times and it is only right that you fear; you are safe and sheltered from the worst of it. When darkness consumes your thoughts, turn them to this small comfort; somewhere, far from you, in another world, I am getting scorching-hot dragon loving.

To those letters complaining of boredom so great that you have resolved to write letters to wizards in other worlds; I would propose that you too seek comfort in those around you. Many times have I found myself in periods of confinement throughout my adventuring career, and wasting a little mana on a sending spell to have a chat with friends in other dungeons proved efficient in raising my spirits, despite my imprisonment. 

Indeed, when I was bound within the Ruby of Krazbarrenan with only the archdemon Krazbarrenan for company, I soon found that company to be rather pleasant. Certainly, we had to indulge the obligatory wrestling match for my very soul each day, but outside of that we discovered a shared passion for ornamental shrubs, elvish poetry and indeed in the art of magic. Even now, centuries later, we still maintain a correspondence. I wonder how Kraz is doing at the moment…

Consider this an opportunity to deepen and strengthen relationships that may have weakened during long bouts of travel and adventuring apart. You may find that you have more in common with your fellow prisoners than you had ever believed. 

After all, the same heart beats within the chest of all men. Except mine. Mine is buried beneath a glacier to keep my enemies from slaying me.

***

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.