Hearken now to the whispers of Ulesorin the Green, wisest of all wizards. While it may seem at a glance that I am cowering in a broom-closet as I complete this missive, and that such an action does not seem befitting an arcanist of my stature, please recall that I have never claimed to be bravest of wizards, nor proudest of wizards, merely the wisest. A tactical retreat was called for.

Fall not to hubris, dear mortals. It would seem that wise as I am, the great enemy has out-manoeuvred me once more. The great evil of our time has elected to birth a new army – even now she lays eggs as her servile brood fetch and carry them to be warmed by the heart of the volcano. Eggs fertilised by my own prodigious puissance! It would appear that my attempts at reconciliation and the amorous response that I received were in fact a deception.

I should not have asked for closet space, on reflection, I may have been able to maintain my own illusions about my place in the draconic order of things if I had not. Why does Ulesorin the Green even require space within a closet? That great man has but only the single robe upon his back. It was a simple test, and one that tripped the wicked wyrm at the first hurdle. 

But enough of my troubles, allow me to assist you with your pressing concerns, by all means, I’m not being hunted by an army of lizard men at this very moment.

***

Dear Ulesorin, 

Now that I’m confined to my house for the foreseeable, I was thinking of learning a new skill and thought magic might prove pretty handy when we come out of quarantine. What disciplines of magic would you recommend, and do you have any tips for the beginner? 

Thanks, Locked-Down Learner

***

Dear Learner,

As you are but mayflies, I cannot recommend to you that you pursue the paths of the arcane. To learn magic requires lifetimes, and yours will tragically be cut short but a brief while after learning the most simple cantrip. No human can ever ascend beyond apprentice status within my order. However, do not let your mortality-challenged status interfere with pursuing your dreams. Just because you cannot learn real magic, that doesn’t mean you cannot master some of the lesser arts.

For instance, you could become a druid. I am relatively confident that their training merely involves an intense conversation with a squirrel followed by several months of failing to bathe properly. I am certain that you could master both rodent entertainment and poor hygiene within your lifespan. Why, from the aroma of your note, you are already halfway there!

If you have no interest in Druidry, I am sure that some other calling might appeal to you. Perhaps a pursuit of divine magic? To the best of my recollection from the few times that I have travelled with clergy members all that they do is go running to their big daddy in the sky every time that they are confronted with a problem. How do you feel about begging and debasing yourself every time you need a spell?

If even these lowly arts evade you, then might I suggest you turn your attention to illusions. Perhaps sleight of hand and card tricks are something that you can learn in your time of confinement. I would not know as I have never dabbled in such tawdry things.

***

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.