Hearken to my words. Hearken to my glory. The great evil of our times has been defeated. The armies of darkness continue to ask me awkward questions about child support and what I have been eating for the last two months, yet still I am counting this victory as among the highest that I have ever achieved. No more am I beholden to the agreements of the worldly court that stripped me of my wealth and yellow. No longer am I beholden to the shame that burned within my heart at the thought of the mother of serpents roaming free, empowered over her litigious victory over me.

Though their questions are prying, impolite and incessant, my lizard-wizard army now labours to raise a grand tower where once the dragon queen’s caverns were situated. I will admit that a tower at the side of an active volcano has some negatives, but at least the heating will be inexpensive in the winter. And it is long past time that goodly wizards of fine reputation reclaimed the image of a towering inferno as our own. After all, I am just as liable to cast fireballs as any skinny bald fellow with a black dress on.

Situated as I am now within a place of comfort, I find my mind turning to all of you. My constant companions through these trying times. Let me ease your burdens as mine have now been lightened. Let me mend your ills as this young reptile massages fine smelling oils into my feet.

***

Dear Wizard,

My friends keep beating me at really simple board games. 

Am I an idiot? Is something wrong with me?

Yours sincerely,

Last Place Again

***

Last Place Again, 

My friend, we have all been situated in your seat. Why, even I have had darker moments in my journey to victory. Just a short week ago I was crouched within the lavatory of a dragon waiting the opportunity to cast destructive magics directly up her scale-free area. Let me tell you, it was not the highlight of my adventuring career.

With time, victory comes to us all. It does not matter how often our foes thwart us. It does not matter that we are made a laughing stock in open court, or that our own children choose to dwell in dank caves rather than endure our company, all that matters is that in the end, we win by whatever means are necessary.

The greatest skill that any wizard can learn is preparation. We are capable of wielding immense cosmic power if we have the correct spells in mind, but if we have failed to prepare for the situation at hand we are, essentially, robed men who like to read a lot. 

This lesson can be transferred to every aspect of life. Wherever you face failure, it is simply a lack of preparation and planning on your part. Whatever game you intend to play, learn the rules thoroughly. Learn the conditions under which you shall win, and the conditions under which you shall lose. Then proceed to remove all of the latter conditions from play. Preferably when the other players are either distracted or sufficiently intimidated by a fireball that you have conjured. So that they cannot intervene with complaints of cheating.

Is it cheating to choose your battlefield wisely? Is it cheating to strike when you are at your strongest and your opponent is too distracted by eliminating waste to prevent your attack?

I say to you no. It is the very essence of wisdom. So switch cards, nudge dice and allocate points with your advancement ever in mind.

Victory shall be yours, just as it is mine!

***

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.