From atop my dragon-bone throne I send you this missive from the world beyond your ken. Did my children object when I demanded that they carve the flesh from their mother and fashion her into a seat for me, their one and only ruler? Of course they did. Did I listen to a single complaint? No I did not. 

Construction on my tower may have given out shortly afterwards, leaving me with this stumpy four-story monstrosity that barely even…towers…yet still I believe that it was the correct course of action; for though they have departed to slaughter their way out west where they hope to found a draconic kingdom of their very own, my darling half-wizard children learned on that day the most vital of all lessons. Do not cross Ulesorin the Green.

But enough of my carefully phrased braggadocio, let us hear of the troubles in your world. Let me assist you with the magnanimity that you have always deserved, yet I could not muster due to my…circumstances.

***

Dear Ulesorin,

I need you to settle the great known debate of all time:

Dungeons

OR

Dragons

/discuss

***

Well my friends, it is quite likely from my current seating arrangement that you are aware of my feelings towards persons of a draconic persuasion, yet it must be said that the months I spent lurking in the caverns beneath my ex-wife’s lair – consuming her unhatched offspring and biding my time to seek revenge – have also left a rather sour taste in my mouth with regards to dungeons also.

Yet still the question remains, Dungeons or Dragons. Which is the superior?

As my negative opinions on each verge upon the self-indulgent at this point, let us consider the positive attributes of both and then decide upon their merits rather than their myriad flaws.

Dragons: If you ever need transportation to some far off land, there is no denying that a ride upon a dragon’s back is indubitably the swiftest way to cover the distance. Though they travel at a considerable altitude, they are equipped with an internal system of heating that provides a rather pleasant warming sensation to the under-robe regions.

On the continuing themes of pleasant warming sensations and under-robe regions, it must be said that there are no lovers in all the realms quite like a dragon. Why, they will let you do the weird stuff without complaint. My ex wife barely even seemed to notice what I was up to around her hind quarters if I am entirely honest. As though she barely felt anything at all. Some of this can be accounted for due to the size disparity of course, but surely she was partaking in at least some part of the carnal delight. Why afterwards she always told me how good it was for her in a somewhat dry and bored sounding tone and now I am beginning to doubt absolutely everything about that relationship. Surely my trust is only faltering due to the bloody yet inevitable betrayal that followed our last coupling and she was not faking enjoyment for the full hundred and forty year span of our romance. Almost certainly she enjoyed herself at least once. Probably.

Dungeons; these dark and dismal demesnes are the foundational building blocks of the world economy. If it were not for dungeons, then where could a young farm boy go to slaughter goblins and take their gold, earning his eventual place in the ranks of heroes? Were it not for dungeons, monsters might roam free across the whole of the world, rampaging, instead of staying in their designated areas where they don’t tend to trouble the common folk while also providing adventurers of a certain degree of power with a certain fish-in-a-barrel sort of situation.

Beyond the economic and environmental advantages of dungeons, one has to admit that they provide some artistic and architectural variance to the desolate places of the world. There is nothing quite like taking a stroll through the wilderness and spotting a giant skull-shaped cave in the side of a hill, oozing malevolence and the promise of adventure.

Not to mention all of the fantastical creatures that may be contained within. Yes, dragons, of course dragons, but also lesser known monstrous races, such as carbuncles, hippopotamus, manticores, cockatrices, even large rats. Where would the world be without all of these wonders?

So I must cast my vote in favour of dungeons over dragons. And that has nothing to do with that treacherous lying whore-lizard that I gave the best years of my life to.

***

Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.