ASK THE WIZARD – Monster Mashup
Hearken mere mortals to the words of one so much greater, and infinitely more humble. Tis I, returned to thee once more. Ulesorin the Green, restored to my verdant finery, restored to a mighty tower overlooking the free kingdoms and restored to a state of moderate peace. For when all the great evils that plague this world have been slain and all that remains are minor impediments that plebs like you can tackle, then wherefore goeth the mightiest wizard in all the realms? What use is a puissant archmage when there is no more villainy to smite?
I shall tell you now what purpose I still serve, while you look upon me with doubt and derision simply because I take a momentary rest, ever shall this world be threatened by those monstrous things beyond the boundaries of reality, and never shall I rest until I have laid them low! And in the interim, I still have several remaining months of community service to serve out, in the form of answering your ridiculous letters.
To wit, let us turn to the witless and wondering.
Hung Up On Hybrids writes:
What’s with all these half-and-half creatures? Centaurs, Satyrs, Naga. Like… How did these come about?
Dear Hung Up,
I was aware that the state of education in other realms is not as advanced as that which has been accomplished within my home plane, however it seems entirely inexplicable that your species could have survived without mastering the basic mechanics of this particular puzzle. Still, it is my lot in life to dole out lessons, even if those are lessons that your parents truly should have imparted to you before you departed from their care.
Let us take your centaur as our example and proceed from there. When a human and a horse are very much in love, sometimes they wish to express that love in a… physical way. They share a… special kiss, and then through the magic of love, a special seed appears in one of their stomachs that then grows into a child. A physical manifestation of their love embodied in a whole new creature. Just as you will have parts of your appearance that are similar to one or another of your parents, so too will this centaur child share in the looks of theirs.
Good gods, trying to explain this in child-friendly terms is nauseating. Listen here child. Sometimes the flames of lust are stoked within us adult folk. When the human and the horse feel those passions rising, they [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] and then they put their [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] into the [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS]. That’s when you really want to buckle in and ready your horse-whip because from then they [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] right in the [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] over and over and over until both of them are dripping with sweat, exhausted, hay-breathed and they [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] all over the [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS]’s [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS]. [REDACTED BY KOBOLD LAWYERS] times in one night, if you’re lucky.
And that’s where babies come from.
Oh, or sometimes wizards do it. We have a certain task that needs to be accomplished so we will use a spell like Kramphalamous’ Genetic Discombobulation on a pair of creatures, force them to occupy the same physical space, and then repeat the process with more experimental subjects until one emerges that will serve our purpose rather than the hideous abominations that must be destroyed because otherwise their very existence is agonised misery. Haha, isn’t magic fun!
Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!* Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject ‘Ask the Wizard’, or leave a comment below.
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower kept vertically primarily through hope and what we initially believed was mortar, but now appears to be some sort of amphibian paste.