Fantasy-Hive

Main Menu

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks

logo

Fantasy-Hive

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Interviews
    • Author Spotlight
    • By Author Surname
  • Book Reviews
    • Latest
    • Hive Reads
    • Self-Published
    • By Author Surname
  • Writing
    • Write of Way
    • Worldbuilding By The Numbers
  • Features and Content
    • Ask the Wizard
    • BookTube
    • Busy Little Bees Book Reviews
    • Cover Reveals
    • Cruising the Cosmere
    • Excerpts
    • News and Announcements
    • Original Fiction
      • Four-Part Fiction
    • SPFBO
    • The Unseen Academic
    • Tough Travelling
    • Women In SFF
    • Wyrd & Wonder
  • Top Picks
Ask the WizardFeatures
Home›Features›Ask the Wizard›ASK THE WIZARD – How To Make Pets And Influence People

ASK THE WIZARD – How To Make Pets And Influence People

By G.D. Penman
May 13, 2022
1262
0

Greetings to you, beleaguered mortals. 

Ulesorin has once more returned to aid you in your struggles against the pitiful things that your kind consider to be problems. Orcs rampaging through and slaughtering your cattle? Better call the wizard. Dark Lord rising in the east? Better call the wizard. Someone was mean to you at work and now you need a pep talk. Yes, even for this a wizard is now required, apparently.

***

Dear Ulesorin,

I have a friend who sends me the most adorable videos of bunny rabbits and chinchillas, every time they make me want one of my own, but the people I live with detest animals. How can I convince them that animals are great companions to have?

Yours truly,

Pitifully Petless

***

My dear Petless, it is with great regret that I must inform you that you will never get anywhere in life reliant upon the opinions of others to guide you. Was I beholden to the advisement given to me by the kings of the free kingdoms when they told me that marriage to a lustful lizard was almost certain to end in a gruesome divorce? Of course not. I am a wizard, a creature of the purest will, and it shall not be bent or broken by such petty things as the words of my lessers. Now it is your turn to make the decision, to seize the day, and choose to no longer listen to what others have told you. Other than me, of course. Telling you right now, exactly what you need to do.

If exposure to moving paintings of your desired beasts has proven unsuccessful in melting the hearts of those you cohabit with, then might I propose moving on to more practical solutions, such as bringing one of those creatures into your home so that they might make the acquaintance of others and prove their inevitable benefit to them?

Why I would never have taken on a familiar if it were not for the fact that the giant spider in question took up residence in my bathroom and began to pass me my towel after I was finished bathing! Proximity breeds affection. So, if they are to be convinced then simply place as many of the desired wild animals around them as possible. Given that your desires seem to run almost exclusively to the small and fuzzy variety of familiar, might I suggest that demonstrating the snuggliness of said beasts is to your best advantage? While they are sleeping, place as many rodents as possible into the beds of your cohabitors so that they can wake to the feel of warm bodies and soft fur.

With all of that said however, I must say that kowtowing to the will of others is not the ideal situation for you. In fact, I strongly advise you to set aside your concerns about the feelings of others and pursue the beast that you want in your life with all vigour.

As with most things, the simplest solution is the best. You wish to acquire a pet of some sort, but you also wish to live with these people who have no desire for a pet. Why not combine your solutions into one? A simple spell of transmogrification should be sufficient. Choose the most vociferous opponent to the keeping of a familiar, blast them with your arcane might until they have become a chinchilla, and voila! Problems solved.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.

TagsAdviceAgony AuntAsk the WizardfeaturesG.D. PenmanHumourUlesorinUlesorin the Green

G.D. Penman

G. D. Penman is the author of more books than you can shake a reasonably-sized stick at, including series like Witch of Empire, Savage Dominion, Deepest Dungeon and The Last King. Before finally realising that the career’s advisor lied to them about making a living as an author, G. D. Penman worked as an editor, tabletop game designer, and literally every awful demeaning job that you can think of in-between. They are a veteran of the battlefields of Azeroth, Lordran, Tamriel and Thedas, but they left their heart in Baldur’s Gate. Nowadays they can mostly be found writing fantasy novels and smoking a pipe in the sunshine. They live in Dundee, Scotland with their partner, children, dog and cats. Just… so many cats.

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Welcome

Welcome to The Fantasy Hive

We’re a collaborative review site run by volunteers who love Fantasy, Sci-fi, Horror, and everything in-between.

On our site, you can find not only book reviews but author interviews, cover reveals, excerpts from books, acquisition announcements, guest posts by your favourite authors, and so much more.

Have fun exploring…

The Fantasy Hive Team

Visit our shop

Features

Support the Site

We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok