ASK THE WIZARD – How To Make Pets And Influence People
Greetings to you, beleaguered mortals.
Ulesorin has once more returned to aid you in your struggles against the pitiful things that your kind consider to be problems. Orcs rampaging through and slaughtering your cattle? Better call the wizard. Dark Lord rising in the east? Better call the wizard. Someone was mean to you at work and now you need a pep talk. Yes, even for this a wizard is now required, apparently.
I have a friend who sends me the most adorable videos of bunny rabbits and chinchillas, every time they make me want one of my own, but the people I live with detest animals. How can I convince them that animals are great companions to have?
My dear Petless, it is with great regret that I must inform you that you will never get anywhere in life reliant upon the opinions of others to guide you. Was I beholden to the advisement given to me by the kings of the free kingdoms when they told me that marriage to a lustful lizard was almost certain to end in a gruesome divorce? Of course not. I am a wizard, a creature of the purest will, and it shall not be bent or broken by such petty things as the words of my lessers. Now it is your turn to make the decision, to seize the day, and choose to no longer listen to what others have told you. Other than me, of course. Telling you right now, exactly what you need to do.
If exposure to moving paintings of your desired beasts has proven unsuccessful in melting the hearts of those you cohabit with, then might I propose moving on to more practical solutions, such as bringing one of those creatures into your home so that they might make the acquaintance of others and prove their inevitable benefit to them?
Why I would never have taken on a familiar if it were not for the fact that the giant spider in question took up residence in my bathroom and began to pass me my towel after I was finished bathing! Proximity breeds affection. So, if they are to be convinced then simply place as many of the desired wild animals around them as possible. Given that your desires seem to run almost exclusively to the small and fuzzy variety of familiar, might I suggest that demonstrating the snuggliness of said beasts is to your best advantage? While they are sleeping, place as many rodents as possible into the beds of your cohabitors so that they can wake to the feel of warm bodies and soft fur.
With all of that said however, I must say that kowtowing to the will of others is not the ideal situation for you. In fact, I strongly advise you to set aside your concerns about the feelings of others and pursue the beast that you want in your life with all vigour.
As with most things, the simplest solution is the best. You wish to acquire a pet of some sort, but you also wish to live with these people who have no desire for a pet. Why not combine your solutions into one? A simple spell of transmogrification should be sufficient. Choose the most vociferous opponent to the keeping of a familiar, blast them with your arcane might until they have become a chinchilla, and voila! Problems solved.
Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.