Salubrious greetings to you, my friends from another world.

This is a truly glorious day, though it may not immediately appear so from your stunted vantage point, for today is the very first day upon which my feebleminded ex-lawyer apprentice has shown the slightest ability to channel the arcane powers of the infinite cosmos.

In the midst of his instruction, sometime around the midpoint of my usual daily seven-hour degradation speech to ensure that my apprentice’s ego does not too readily swell ahead of his ability, I was struck in the back of my head while illustrating using a blackboard and chalk the myriad ways in which he would never be as capable or beloved as me. Clearly a sign of significant power within the wiry mortal frame of the useless kobold. How else could he have spontaneously erupted with hither unknown telekinetic powers? Though obviously completely untrained, given the way in which the paperweight flew in an entirely random direction to strike me.

It was accompanied by a great flash of light, always a sign of an arcane working. Admittedly, that flash may have been restricted only to the vision of me, at the moment of impact, but that is presumably because my magical senses are so honed.

So proud was I, of my young apprentice, that I set him only ten hours of manual labour about the tower instead of the usual thirteen. They grow up so fast!

***

Dear Ulesorin,

When I first got into the wizarding business, my advisor told me that “Bob Jones” wasn’t the sort of name that would inspire fear and awe in my colleagues or the world at large. As such, I changed my name to Quillzathrus the Hexinator. But that was in my teens, and now that I’m older, I realize how utterly stupid it sounds. The problem is, I’ve published two professional papers under the name Q. Hexinator, and that carries some cache at the Academy and elsewhere.

So… should I change my name again? If so, do I go back to “Bob Jones” or something different? Or should I just accept that I’ll forever be a laughingstock at Academy conferences?

Sincerely,

Bob “Qill the Hexinator” Jones

***

Greetings unto you Hexinator.

Obviously, the name of a wizard is a thing of great personal significance and power, and the changing of said name should never be undertaken without the most stringent of self-reflection. While it is quite true that Bob Jones does not evoke the necessary gravitas for a wizard, and it was quite right for you to be reborn as an entirely new person once the ultimate power of magic began to flow through you, I am afraid that your distaste for your new Nom de Arcanum does not strike me as significant enough to suggest a second change is needed.

As you have already said, you have been twice blessed with cache at the Academy under your current title, and to change it would like result in the loss of that hard won power and prestige. No wizard has ever been able to give up either one of those. Not without the threat of impending death, and most often not even then.

Therefore, I must tell you that changing your name is not the correct solution to the mismatching of the present. Rather, you must change yourself to live up to the promise of the name.

First and foremost, I’m afraid that the rather warlock tone of Quillzarthus means that you will immediately need to begin dabbling in darker magic than you are accustomed to. Perhaps summoning some legions of demons and instructing them to reign terror down upon your enemies would help to alleviate some measure of your embarrassment at Academy events. If nothing else, they will certainly give your associates something else to focus upon other than your name.

I would also suggest that an all-black wardrobe and some heavy eye-makeup would add a little more credence to your image as a Hexinator, though travelling the world and hexing anyone who happens to snigger even slightly when you are introduced would certainly assist in cementing the reputation and image that you have inadvertently mantled yourself with.

Between widespread destruction, a gothic pallor and a newfound reputation for hexing anyone that so much as blinks at the sound of your name, I suspect that you will be able to condition your Academy to be more accepting of you.

Failing that, might I suggest that you simply place a curse upon your own name, so that any who speak it are strangled with any contempt that they may feel towards you. It has always proven extremely effective for me during those periods of history where I was considered to be antagonistic to the wellbeing of the realm, rather than its beloved saviour.

In conclusion, as with most problems related to the high art of magic, the simplest solution is often the best, and what could be simpler than the liberal application of fireballs to thy enemies?

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.