ASK THE WIZARD – The Ballad of Karkaras
Hail to you mortals. Ulesorin speaks, and all shall hearken to his wisdom.
The season of storm and flame may have consumed last month’s missive, but this time I have an answer ready, locked and loaded into the interdimensional whizgig to shoot through my crystal ball, directly into your eyeballs, and onward to your grey matter.
So let us learn what is the matter, with you.
Dear Ulesorin, I recently suffered something of a career set back through no fault of my own (I fell in love!). I’ve been offered a great opportunity to rehabilitate my career and get everyone to see what a wonderful quirky kind of guy I am, so obviously I’m going to take it (That’s not the advice I need).
What I really want to know, is what’s the best way to eat kangaroo penis?
Greetings to you, Enamoured Buffoon.
I too have often been in the unfortunate position of being led astray by love, and as such I offer you wisdom that is not only based in my immense knowledge of all things, but also immense personal experience.
Fellating animals is not the answer.
I am aware that there are a great many attractive beasts in the world, but if they lack sapience then it is fundamentally immoral, and you should not do it. If you fellate an animal, henceforth you shall not be known as the wonderful quirky guy with the rehabilitated career, you will be known as the man who fellated an animal.
Have thou heard the tale of Karkaras the Lover of Weasels?
In his youth he was a mighty barbarian, uniting all of the tribes. As a young man he reigned terror across the free lands, slaughtering with abandon and crowning himself with the bloodied crowns of his fallen foes. He did battle with warrior and wizard alike, putting all who faced him to shame with his prowess. With his empire won, he turned his attention to still greater challenges. The dark lord of his age fell before Karkaras mighty axe. The great dragon Calcyforzax, once believed to be impossible to kill, died when he crushed the life from its body with his bare hands. As he grew in power, so too did his challenges, and by the final days of his life, there were demons, angels, dragons and lesser gods lying dead at his feet. He was the greatest hero of a millennium.
Yet we remember him as Karkaras, Lover of Weasels.
Do not fellate animals.
Email your problems to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*
*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.