Welcome, dear friends and dearer strangers to this place of wisdom.

I am Ulesorin the Green, a master of the arts of magic, and a legend in my own lifetime. If you are unfamiliar with my works, take a glance around you at the continuance of existence that you are currently enjoying and know that it is thanks almost entirely to my efforts.

You are welcome, indeed.

From dark lords to demons, dragons to eldritch gods, I have bested them all in my time, through the puissance of my magic, yes, but through the hard won wisdom that my ages of life have bestowed upon me even more so. The various farm-boys that I taught to be heroes and sent off to face their destiny were also a factor, I will admit, but without me they would still be shoveling pig droppings rather than wearing crowns or moldering beneath the grandest of monuments.

So I offer up that wisdom now to you, so that all that ails you might be mended.

I am your aunt of agonies. And it is to this purpose I devote myself once more.

***

Sir,

The crows: they shit on my car. Guns are illegal here, and as an older man I no longer have the strength in my arm to skelp them with a well thrown handaxe as they perch like defiant street toughs across telephone cable.

What can I do?

***

Excrement. 

I offer you up the wisdom of a wizard capable of remaking all creation with a well-placed incantation, and you present to me the problem of excrement.

Each day, mankind finds a new way to disappoint me.

So I shall focus upon the crows. Crows are familiar to me. There is not a wizard worth his staff who has not had a dalliance with corvids, serving as messengers or spies. They are remarkably intelligent birds, even in comparison to yourselves.

While admittedly your kind do not necessarily rank particularly highly in that regard by my estimation, it is nonetheless impressive that crows have achieved similar levels of intellect without written language or thumbs. As such, I must assume that you have angered your corvid neighbors in some way to provoke their carriage decorating.

Presumably the thrown axes are relevant to this part of your tale.

My first and foremost suggestion to you would be to befriend these remarkable birds in such a way that they serve your purposes, rather than continuing their campaign of harassment against you. Monkey nuts are the ideal solution, a prize that the crows will enjoy that your other avian accomplices shall struggle to gain access to. Feed the crows and earn their favor.

With their favor won, perhaps offer up some more suitable place that they might make their roost, and provide said nuts at that location, encouraging them to aid you. Once this has been established, simply withdraw your gifts each time you find that they have left a gift upon your carriage, until such time as the association between receiving nuts and not using your vehicle as a chamber pot is firmly established in their minds.

At this point, they shall begin to not only police themselves, but also the other birds that might leave their mark upon your property. Leaving you with the cleanliness you so desperately desire.

Alternately, you may wish to park elsewhere, and approach your vehicle only while wearing some sort of disguise, so that the crows do not realise that you are the driver. Thus ensuring that their current vengeance is neutered.

If all else fails, then might I suggest falling back upon a classic solution to a flock of birds causing trouble. Take up hawking as a hobby.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.