ASK THE WIZARD – The Chafing Scroll
Hearken mortals, for your better now speaks. Tis’ I, Ulesorin the Green, master of the forbidden art, genius without compare, dweller in the tower of many scrolls and Aunt of your Agonies, returned once more to resolve such petty concerns as plague you.
I am sitting in a public toilet cubicle and I have realised too late that there is no toilet roll. I am unlikely to be rescued as my wife will assume I’ve gone to the pub and will not notice missing for some days.
What do I do?
The Lonely Man.
Of all the requests that I have received from your world for guidance, I must admit that this is the first that has left me entirely bereft of an answer. Primarily because I had absolutely no understanding of any single element of the question.
Yet I am not without my resources, my little spies in your world, my divinations that allow me to seek out the truth even in places ruled by chaos and the bizarre, and so it was that I came to understand that you referred to some manner of communal outhouse, and that you cleanse betwixt thy cheeks with chafing scraps of scroll once your ablutions are complete.
It remains a wonder to me that your entire world has not been ravaged by plague and disease, given that these are the measures by which you perform hygiene. Truly you are the grotesques of the multiverse and should know nothing but shame for your vile and wretched habits.
In my world, your chamber pot is stored within your chamber, and it is emptied and cleaned each and every day. An outhouse, far from where one lives, is also an acceptable option, and some of the most wealthy have conceived of a garderobes, which are essentially outhouses placed within the castle that are reliant upon gravity and vast distances to dispose of that which needs to be disposed of.
For a wizard, it is then the simple matter of a cleansing spell, summoning holy water from a site of divine providence to purge any demonic forces still clinging after the wickedness has been expelled, but it is my understanding that lesser people make use of bowls of water to perform similar cleansings manually. Some even introduce a sponge into the mix, though I personally feel that this is tantamount to bestiality.
I have been in the process of attempting to capture or breed a gelatinous cube for the purposes of waste disposal and cleansing, as they not only dispose of any unwanted detritus, but also leave you lightly bleached in the affected area, and with a pleasant citrus aroma belying your sordid activities.
That would of course be my first suggestion to you, locate a nearby dungeon and approach the first slime that you encounter, backing into it slowly. It may feel a tad zesty, but it will resolve your problem. Failing that, learn magic.
In the event that none of these are successful, might I suggest making use of the much-vaunted indoor plumbing of your world and washing thy ass.
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*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.