Good morrow to you, oh unwashed masses. It is I, Ulesorin the Green, greatest of all wizards, sexiest of all dragon seducers, and most enlightened of all the aunts of agony. With my mighty staff have I laid low the greatest of serpents. There is also a metaphysical context to that last sentence, so technically it is a triple entendre.

Little has happened since my sojourn to the south, and even if I had been performing rites and rituals to some grand purpose, that would be wizard business and none of yours. In fact, perhaps I should stop including these personal illuminations in these missives, as nothing that is happening in my life or world is even the slightest bit relevant to you and yours. Piss off.

***

Ulesorin,

Perhaps you can help me?

I’m afraid I’ve handed in my slippers and am now but a wandering spectre!

Woooooo.

 

Yours Faithfully,

Billy Wisp

***

Dear William Wisp,

It is with great regret that I must inform you that necromancy is a subject to which I devoted some degree of study when I was about fifteen years old. During a phase in which I dressed entirely in black robes, experimented with eyeliner, and listened to the kind of bards who did more screaming than was strictly necessary.

Ergo, I am familiar with the ways in which the dead might be contacted, and in fact suspect that I must be receiving this particular letter as a result of the predilection. My past coming back to haunt me in a relatively literal manner in the form of a ghost pestering me about being a ghost.

So, allow me to elucidate you as to the nature of your new ghostly existence; you are dead, you are no longer alive, it is important for you to remember that, as many ghosts do overlook it and run into troubles as a result. You’re dead. Got it?

The reason why you are lingering here, shuffled off the mortal coil but not shuffled entirely away, is a subject for a great deal of debate. There was some argument that ghosts resulted from unfinished business in life, but that does little to explain the ghosts of terribly satisfied people who mostly spend their afterlife gloating about it. Some arguments have been made about the manner in which one died being relevant to the likelihood of your return as a ghost, but that too has been disproven by a series of experiments in the late Century of the Antediluvian Goat involving death by whipping, death by whipping but they were into it, death by smothering, death by smothering but they were into it, death by stabbing, death by stabbing but they were into it, and death by orgy.

Cause of death and degree of enjoyment proved unimportant.

In conclusion, we have no idea why you are the way that you are. However, you will come in extremely handy when the time comes to perform some long-distance scrying. Lobbing you over to whoever I need spied on and then asking you through spooky black candle rituals, to report back.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.