Hearken to me mortals and recognise that you, with all your faults and incredulously small problems are now my better. It is true, I sit before ye a defeated man, capable of rending literal demons down to their component atoms and scattering them across the stars, yet unable to defeat those figurative demons that dwell within my heart.

For you see, I had never meant to write this missive. I had never meant to continue my correspondence with your world. Because in my assumed duties of agony aunt I had recognised some fundamental flaw in my own character. An addiction that has plagued wizards throughout history and will doubtless infect all future generations too. My name is Ulesorin the Green and I am addicted to giving advice to stupid people.

Throughout history it has been the burden of the wizard to counsel Kings, queen’s, warlords, warladies, wallabies and farm boys who shall one day become one of the above after slaying some evil or another. But now that I have entered a state of semi-retirement, I recognise that I was never doing it for their benefit, though they all obviously benefitted greatly from my supreme wisdom. Nay. I was doing it because I am addicted to advising.

With this recognition in mind, I had thought that rationally I would be able to prevent myself from returning to this font of ill-conceived questioning, but it seems that is not the case.

I just can’t quit you.

So onward to damnation and ruin, to a day of splintered spears and shattered shields, onward to the advice that I must provide!

***

Hello Ulesorin the Green

 

Can you let me know how to submit an epic fantasy novel for you and/or your team at Fantasy Hive to review?  I have been all over your site and cannot find your submission requirements.  It is an indie author novel that has been professionally edited and polished.  Happy to provide any other information required and provide a free copy via Bookfunnel.

***

Greetings to you, oh professional liar, forger of falsehoods and fictions. I know thee deceiver, though you may dress your contortions of reality in bound pages. I know thee!

Aye, it is right that you should submit, for no matter how epic the tale you might spin, there is no way that it could best even the least of my fireside stories.

Setting aside all of the other nonsensical words I cannot make sense of in your gibbering and homely tongue, I must demand that I be given access at once to this Book Funnel as immediate payment for my services as Agony Aunt. Just imagine how swiftly I might advance my studies into the mysteries of the cosmos and the arcane were I able to simply pour the contents if a book out into this enchanted device and onward into my ear and the prodigious brain that lays beyond.

(Editor’s note: You can just email the same address as you used to reach Ulesorin with your book and we will offer it to our reviewers. No need to involve a wizard.)

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.

And if you’re a fan of our resident wizard’s missives, you may enjoy HAT TRICK, available now – CLICK HERE for more information