Mortal though you be, you shall now receive the wisdom of one so much more. That is right, timorous and incredulous swains, it is I, Ulesorin the Green, returned to you once more to serve no longer as a mere Ant of Agonies, but also honorary recipient of a doctorate in the highest of studies. I speak of course, of love.

It has been brought to my attention that in your world that there are many with eclectic tastes when it comes to their carnal partners. Those who wish to collide their nether-hideousnesses with creatures that among your kind are considered monstrous. 

It is to them that I address this missive and indeed intend to address in many of my future missives also.

***

The Minotaur.

Cow from the neck up, and human from the neck down, the Minotaur can be considered an entry-level monster to date alongside orcs, goblins and the like. Similar enough to what is familiar, but with a little exotic flair.

They are essentially human in every regard except for their head, so you are unlikely to encounter any physical incompatibility. For those who wish to date a minotaur on the basis that they may have bull-sized… appendages elsewhere, you are likely to be disappointed. But wait, I hear you cry, the minotaur is not entirely human from the neck down, look upon the wiry hair that covers their entire body, surely you cannot claim that is normal of a human body. I will at this juncture remind you that the Isle of Minos, from whence these creatures came into existence in your world, is in Greece.

As to the reasons that one should date a minotaur: They are capable of navigating any labyrinth, so not only will you never get lost while you are out on a date, they will be able to follow the tangled web of interconnecting stories that you tell to actually understand what is going on in your social circle. When you explain that Jen from work is now dating Caleb from the bar, a minotaur has a decent chance of actually recalling who either of those people are, and why it is significant. 

On the other side of the coin, there are many reasons that a minotaur shall make a very poor lover for you indeed. They will almost certainly tire of any “horny” jokes that you make fairly quickly, and they are actually rather clumsy with those horns, so you are liable to lose any fragile knick-knacks that you keep in your abode. 

When you eat out, you will be restrained to places with a vegetarian menu, which may not seem too terrible an impediment, but if one can picture the sorrowful stares and guilt that one receives from an average vegetarian while dating, amplify it vastly when those big wet cow eyes are staring at you as you tuck into a delicious beef steak. On a related note; If you believe that morning breath is unpleasant with humans, please consider the scent emerging from a mouth that chews cud all day. 

In addition to all of this, they can be a little stubborn at times.

If you can get past all of these issues, and accept that many people will consider kissing your lover to be an act of bestiality, then I say more power to you, and enjoy your cow-boy/cow-girl/cow-them. If not, then just wait, for there will be many more monsters to select from in the near future!

***

Email your problems or monster-lover suggestions to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow romantic advice provided by a 1799-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but a cadre of kobolds and an industrial sized tank of lubricant.