Greetings to ye, oh lumbering fools, it is I, your most beloved Aunt of Agonies, returned once more with the answers to your most pressing questions.

One might have assumed that given I have a dearth of knowledge and wisdom stretching back to antiquity and a mind so sharp that I often cut myself upon my own wit, despite being smart enough to know better, that you might approach me with some grand philosophical issues, or matters of vast import to the survival of your species. Instead, you charming little apes are all only interested in grinding your unmentionable regions against one another.

I wish that I could make some pretense at being surprised, but I have met you.

***

Hi Ulesorin! 

Great to hear you’re taking a break from galavanting around and getting poor young chaps dispatched by oversized rodents!

Do you think you could provide me with some recommendations for how to romance someone whose language you do not speak? I’d rather not do what my sister told me to do, which is squawk around in some dreadful neon getup and attract as much attention as possible to my superior dance moves. 

This worked well for her seeing as she is a pigeon. I am not. So some more practical and less socially painful recommendations would be appreciated. Thank you!

***

The first and most obvious solution to romancing someone whose language that you do not speak is to cast some form of translation spell. The second and even more obvious solution is to engage in the romance without the intermediary dalliances of conversation. 

What is the ultimate goal that you are attempting to reach with your pigeoning posturing? Do you wish to copulate? To breed? To bond your families together in matrimony? If it is the former, then I can assure you that being able to communicate clearly and concisely about your wants and desires is typically a detriment to achieving that goal. The more that you talk, the more likely it is that you will say something so terrible that your partner’s unmentionables shrivel up like a shrub struck by a fireball, never to return. Your inability to place your foot directly into your mouth for the first time in your life is a massive boon, and you should take full advantage of it. As to the necessary communication required to achieve your goal, you will most likely be able to achieve it mostly through smiling, looking intensely into your potential partner’s eyes, and through a combination of miming and hand gestures to convey specific activities you wish to undertake.

Of course, if you do not merely wish to slam your meaty parts against one another, then matters do become more complex. If your intention is to wed and raise little dragon-wizards of your own, then it is likely that a degree more communication will be required, if only so that the conversations regarding the wedding seating chart are more fruitful.

You have come to me, presumably seeking a simple solution to this issue, unless you are an incompetent harlot. But the quick solution here is in fact the incorrect one. Making use of intermediaries who speak both languages to conduct conversation is the easy way to get things moving in the direction that you desire, but it will always ultimately lead to failure in the relationship at some point down the line. Typically when your translator buggers off to use the toilet and the pair of you are left to whistle awkwardly.

The correct solution, and it pains me to say this, is to learn the language that your potential partner speaks. This may seem like a massive undertaking that will take forever, but consider this. How romantic would you find it if someone devoted their entire life to learning a language just so that they could speak to you? You are almost guaranteed success in your romantic endeavour if you undertake this step, even if it is a massive pain in the backside.

On the subject of massive pains in the backside, the one time that I undertook this particular course of action and learned elvish simply to impress the queen of Aelhallaran, she let me stick my wizard’s staff in her….

[The rest of this missive has been destroyed in transit.]

Email your problems or monster-lover suggestions to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow romantic advice provided by a 1799-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but a cadre of kobolds and an industrial sized tank of lubricant.