Each turning of your moon I return with the crushing inevitability of the tides to bring you succour from that which ails you.

Come one and all, bear witness to such wisdom as the world of mortal men has never yet beheld. I am returned to thee once more. It is I, Ulesorin the Green. Last wielder of the Words of Glory. First wielder of the Stave of a Thousand Faces. Seventh wielder of the Robes of Many Patches. Known to some as the Death-Barker, to others as the Moon-Caller and known to the people of your tiny, distant world as the Aunt of Agonies.

Press your ear to the screen that you may hear my arcane whispers echoing across space, time and the very planes themselves, or better yet, read these words and receive my glorious thoughts in a more direct fashion.

***

Mayfly writes:

Glorious Wizard,

With the seasons changing and the inevitable arrival of Fall, I’ve found myself pondering the brevity of human existence. Truly, it’s a curse we all bear. But does it have to be this way? Oh mighty wizard, teach me your secrets! How can I become like you? How can I extend the infinitesimal speck of time we call a “lifetime?” There’s so much yet to do! Name the price for your guidance and I shall see it paid.

P.S. Do you accept PayPal?

***

My sweet Mayfly, if you knew the awful price of eternity you would not be so swift to seek it out.

Let me tell you what eternal life is: Change. Always change. A crushing engine, rolling forever at your heels. No matter how fast you run, it is always there, and if you stumble or falter the future rolls right over you without a second thought. Grinding you down.

You wake one morning and realise that you have forgotten the face of your one true love. You travel to town and realise all of the flags have changed, that the dirt road has become cobbles, that the baker isn’t your baker, it is your baker’s grandson or worse, a total stranger. The whole world decays around you as you scrabble desperately in the ashes for any trace of the life you once knew.

Eternity does not mean that you escape from death, it means that death is your companion every moment. Every face that you see is but waiting for wrinkles. Every plot of land is but waiting to become a grave. Pity the immortal, sweet Mayfly, for you have but one lifetime of heartbreak to endure and we have thousands.

With all of that said, there are certain fringe benefits to never dying. Eternal life allows you to master many skills through trial and error, this is doubtless why I have become a master of the arcane arts, and why there are so many craters named after me where cities once stood.

As to the secret to eternal life, I shall tell you two of the three essential components, and we shall see if you have time enough in your infinitesimal speck of a lifetime to discover the third.

Component the first; a healthy diet.

Component the second; regular exercise.

I bid you good luck in your quest to find the third and final component, Mayfly. I hope that this quest brings some meaning to your remaining days. Few as they are.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1793-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.