Hail and well met, fellow adventurers. Ulesorin the Green returns to you once more with a bounty of wit, a carafe of aged wisdom and a demijohn of bubbling intellect. Throughout my career as a wizard I have encountered many troubles. Some of which could not even be solved by the application of a fireball directly to their face. Yet still, when I came upon these problems it was within my capability to fix them, because in addition to having the puissance of an Elder Dragon I also have the razor-sharp mind of an Elder Dragon!

It is from this deep well of experience that I draw when confronted with the petty problems of those mortal fools who write to me in need of assistance, and you too could dive deep into those waters when you are troubled, for such is the boundless kindness of Ulesorin.

***

Tibrex the Cliffhanger writes:

Dear Ulesorin,

I live in a once fine country but a couple of years ago we had a big debate and our rulers decided that unicorns existed and that we could all have them. Ever since then all their energies have been devoted to arguing that unicorns do exist and that everyone will have one even though we have never seen one. They’ve stopped worrying about feeding people or caring for people or all the things the government used to do.

It’s reaching a bit of a critical point now because apparently, we are going to cut off all links to our neighbour countries AND (and this is the really good bit) those neighbours are going to give us unicorns in exchange.

I am very worried. Please tell me how to make our leaders realise that unicorns and rainbow shit don’t really exist and chasing them is a less reliable basis for government than waiting for sodden damsels to dispense swords from murky ponds.

***

Tibrex, I am troubled by this news. It is truly tragic that your once fine country is lacking in unicorns. It is my understanding that they can only be handled effectively by virgins. Perhaps this is the source of your corralling issue. Perhaps all of the politicians who are attempting to present you with unicorns have engaged too often in copulation? I must ask, do they seem to be a bunch of copulators?

If it is true that your world entirely lacks unicorns then there are several simple solutions to your current predicament. While I understand that your world differs from mine in many fundamental ways, such as the lack of unicorns that you have already mentioned, there are certain similarities that cannot be denied. For instance, I am given to understand that your world is still possessed of several sturdy trees with long branches. It is also my understanding that the weaving of rope has long been within the skill-set of your people. I regret to inform you that my ability to contort all of time and space to my will is not reflected in my skill at tying knots. I have often passed off this task to the more manually oriented members of my adventuring groups, but even so it is my understanding that with only a small amount of practice, a noose can be fashioned from a length of rope. Combining these objects which I know to exist in your world would provide your current crop of politicians with an absolutely ideal vantage point to look out over the changes that they had intended to inflict upon your country, and one can only hope that the change of perspective is sufficient to convey the message of your populace’s displeasure.

If this solution seems to be too vigorous for the crisis that you are facing, then perhaps the ideal solution would be to request that the grand unicorn debate be repeated, in light of the new information that has been discovered about unicorns not existing, and that more informed debate being used as the foundation for decision making by your rulers. Failing that, go back to plan A.

***

Email your problems to thefantasyhive@gmail.com with the subject: Ask the Wizard. Or leave a comment below. Having relationship issues? Need career advice? You name it, our ‘Agony Ant’ can help!*

*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but animated furniture for company.