ASK THE WIZARD: Hex in the Time of Cholera
It is with great sorrow and no small amount of incredulity that I must offer up an apology to you peasants and mortals. It would seem that in my flight from the lizard-man uprising that my firm-but-fair parenting somehow induced I have failed to respond to your letters in quite some time. As such, I must admit that the answer to this moon’s question may have already been rendered moot by the inexorable passage of time.
I would hope not of course. I would hope that had any of you witless wonders somehow procured a problem that was time sensitive then you would ensure that it was delivered to me post-haste and early enough that even the sudden yet inevitable betrayal of my very own kin-serpents would not interfere in my answering.
Gods know that you cannot be trusted to make the simplest of decisions by yourselves.
All Hallow’s Eve shall soon be upon us, and my coven has expressed extreme distress that our usual, clothes-less rituals will be hampered by the current social distancing measures in place within our hamlet. I have attempted to impress upon them the importance of these measures – as the plague would be a far larger inconvenience than a simple mask, yet they remain unconvinced.
Even by the rather lovely black cat fabric Enid Hughes has used in her hand-sewn masks. I digress.
And so I turn to you, at the suggestion of Desmondella Jones, who is of the impression we need assistance from a wizened old male. I await your advice regarding my unruly coven with due suspicion.
Regards et cetera
My dearest Ms Witche,
Please pass along my appreciation to Desmondella Jones, the only right thinking member of your little knitting circle. In times of crisis it is always best to consult with greater minds. That I happen to be of the masculine persuasion has little bearing on the conversation, except of course in the sense that all wizards are male, and therefore superior to you in every way. Not as an aspect of gender, you understand, but simply as a fact of life. Wizards are better than you. This is indisputable.
As to your question itself, I can understand the issue, for it truly is a conundrum. On the one hand we have the enchanted cloth that might protect you from the putrescence that has afflicted your world. On the other, we have naked jiggly bits.
While I have long proved myself to be a connoisseur of the more exotic lovers that my world can provide, there is a simple joy to be found in the hearts of all people when they are confronted with the scantily clad, dancing and flouncing and bouncing and… what was my point… Ah yes. On the one hand you have survival. On the other, the very thing that makes survival worthwhile.
It is of no surprise to me that you have brought such a complex ethical conundrum to my figurative door. For it is well known that when confronted with issues of ethics, witches have a tendency towards hexing those who disagree with them rather than discussing matters like those with something betwixt their ears beyond curds and whey.
My suggestion is this. Make use of the enchanted cloth as necessary, while exposing whatever else it is possible to expose. Indeed, if you have spare face-wraps, I believe that I can send along some rather ingenious diagrams for their attachment to non-facial regions that may enhance your performances.
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*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower with nothing but the distant memories of past glories for company.