ASK THE WIZARD – Fresh Start
Foul dregs of humanity, I have returned to you once more to put right a great wrong. And by a great wrong, I of course mean, a wrong that has been committed against me. For I am great.
It seems that among your snivelling kind there has been some sneering and mockery at my lack of knowledge about your world. How I might have come across such knowledge, given that none of you ever include anything of importance in your myriad letters begging for my assistance, I cannot say.
Yet learn I have, using my incredible powers and incredible mind, I have found a way to pierce the veil between my world and yours, delving through the interplanar storms to expand my knowledge, and thus, expand upon my ability to provide all of you with the advice that you require so that you might persist in your personal quests.
Complaining
Having perused a great many scrolls of information from your world, I am struck by the fact that the majority of it is griping. No small wonder then that I am constantly inundated with letters from you seeking assistance of matters so petty.
Even something so simple as the weather in your world seems to be a font of perpetual misery. It is too hot, it is too cold, a storm blew down my house, flooding destroyed my village, you would think from listening to you that these were all new and surprising events rather than the same thing that peasants have been dealing with since time immemorial.
Worse still, you all seem to be terribly upset when someone else suffers a misfortune. When an adventurer that I have never met is slain in a dungeon on the other side of the world and I learn about it, I do not weep for him, for I do not know him, and nor do I know why I would go out of my way to search for a source of grief. Indeed, it seems the majority of the town criers that you have trapped in those electric boxes of yours devote the majority of their time to conveying fresh miseries to make you unhappy.
To what purpose do you seek such sorrow? Is it some sort of game? Who can be the saddest about something that affects them in no way whatsoever? Madness!
Politics
Your kings are all tyrants, their servants all thugs, and all of you suffer constant minor irritations as a result of their negligence, incompetence, and cruel avarice. Once more, all is as it should be. This is the nature of kings, is it not?
I understand that in some places the wealthy and powerful have convinced you that they were chosen by you peasants, but surely at some point you must have come to realise that this is a deception? Fool you once, shame upon the one doing the fooling. Fool you for centuries on end, I begin to believe that you were the fool from the start.
Magic
This is a particularly irksome area of study for me, as I have been assured time and again by those complainers in my mail that your world has no magic. Each time I have advised a simple, nay ideal, solution to a problem involving the casual application of a basic spell, I have been rebutted and told that such things are impossible in your world.
Yet now I learn that you read my missives on pieces of glass, affixed to arcanely graven rocks with lightning flowing through them!? What is this if not magic?!
You have ways to turn the blowing of the wind and the turning of the tides into lightning, and you use that lightning to conjure light in dark places. You burn the decayed corpses of the dragons that once dwelled in your lands and it grants you the power of flight. There are stones buried deep beneath the earth that will render you bald, sterile and dead in short order, yet you insist that your world has no magic?!
I am pleased to learn that I was correct, and you are all liars.
Yours Sincerely,
Ulesorin the Green, Archmage, Freshly Educated Aunt of Agonies.
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*Disclaimer: All answers are provided for entertainment purposes only. It may not be in your best interests to follow advice provided by a 1794-year-old man who lives alone in a tower and claims to have magical powers.
Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto.